I'm making music.
And I do believe it sounds like music. Ridiculously catchy...but....yeah. I'm making music, betches!
Can't believe I'm actually doing this. It's become a ritual. My brother and I have spent night after night working on this song.
I think the title is going to end up being "Good Goodbye".
Ohso....I kinda had a major head-spin today. Too much shit built up for my ADD brain to handle. I felt like a little robot overworking itself and breaking down. Boom! All my little parts flying every where, springs, buttons, screws, etc... SYSTEM ERROR.
Wew...feeling better now, though. It's frustrating to just now in life really start to see how my mind operates (or doesn't) according to the amount shit going on in it.
But! Better late than never they say. And it's so true. I was reading from the vagina monologues today and read about a 72 year old lady who had never seen her vagina her whole life 'til then. Ho-ly Fuck. Now that 72 year old vagina is out of your head,let's just think about that fact that she had never seen it until she was 72. Ho-ly Fuck. How does that happen?
I'm glad I know what my vagina looks like and I'm glad that I'm understanding much more about how my brain functions.
The older I get, the more I realize how much my mom has the mental strength of (place huge simile here).
I really don't know how she has gone through the tremendous crap that she has, coming out as bright and strong as she is.
Long story short: My schizo sister tried to beat the shit our of her. (minor injuries happened, but she (sister) was arrested)
I asked her over and over if she was ok. She probably wouldn't ever break down in front of me. At least not if she could help it.
I hope this fucking shit gets in order. Fuck mental illness and what it does to families. Fuck it to fucking hell.
So I find it rather difficult to build the kind of social life I feel I'm in need of in such a short amount of time.
I just want to be invited to everything and get along famously with a lot of people right off the bat. And since this isn't happening, I get let down and feel even worse. Eek. What did I expect? Everyone to love and adore me after being gone so long? I dunno...maybe. haha.
Take me drinking take me picnicking! Whatever! Just put a smile on my face. Make me feel unlonley. Make me feel welcome. RIGHT NOW. I don't want to have to earn your friendships. You should just know I'm amazing and that you need me around. Yeh...
Am I a little desperate right now? Yup. Is it seeping through my skin? Most likely.
So I took a nap today and woke up late for work. I woke up breathing heavy, my eyes rolling to the back of my head, and feeling like a lead weight. It took every ounce of energy for me to get up. When I finally did get up, I was ridiculously disoriented and felt quite a bit of loss in my motor skills. (For a full hour) WTF.
This is the second time I've woken up like this. What is going on? I'm thinking it's a panic attack. But it's so weird that I'm having them so severe and in the middle of my sleep.
I think its time for some research and a trip to the doctor ($).
Oh You, Life.....
I feel like I'm being tested. I need to be able to be interested in a man but still keep myself centered. I always seem to fall away from myself when a guy comes into the picture. Now that I'm "on the market" again, I need to take it one day at a time and really use my brain.
I think I will make the goal of writing in my journal at least every other day. That should help to keep me grounded.
In other news....my brother and sister in law are concerned about me and want me to look up MS symptoms online and see if I have symptoms (my brother, Matt has MS.)
Extremely disappointed by someone who I thought respected me.
I hate being so uncomfortable being anywhere near him. You could cut the tension with a knife.
I hate having this extreme amount of anger centered on a single human being.
I don't want it to be this way. Our friendship feels broken. I don't know what to do. My hands are tied.
More than ever I need to hang out with good friends and jump into projects to express myself.
"Chin up" sounds so cliche but it seems to fit.
So does sex without real commitment. Oh snap.
I've learned from this. But I'm still really weak.
I'm tired of this pattern. I will do everything in my power to not let it happen like this again.
How do I be strong NOW, though. I slip so much. I make a fool of myself frequently. Weak, weak, weak.
Desperate.... I cringe at recent past actions. Embarrassing.....
Time to crack open my journal and explore myself.
I know you all missed me very much. Wait... you didn't know I moved to Turlock for two months?
oh... well I'm back. :P
I don't live with my parents, I don't live with Ann. I live in a nice house. I have my own room. My own space for all the solitude and self expression I need.
Today at least.
I put a lock on my bathroom door so my sister can't put an inch of her unkempt self on my clean wonderland.
One less heart-racing thought. Wew....
If you want something (like, your own space not to be tramped on), you've got to go and take it yourself.